Out of it
by Synchypn0tic17
Summary: Guilt is consuming him. It's biting at him. It's eating him away. The only one who's trying to help him is Tifa. But will it be enough?
1. A Bad New Day

**Out of it**

There it was again. The guilt. It always came running back to him, constantly reminding him that it was his fault. It was always his fault. And today was no different. She was only trying to help. Only trying to make _him _feel better. It was his fault for yelling. _Goddamnit, why was everything his fault?_

Cloud sighed and tiredly rubbed his hand over his face. He was going to have to apologize this time. The look in Tifa's eyes was furious, and no doubt about that, the way she slammed the glass of water on his side table was enough to prove it. Cloud only wondered how the water had not spilled onto the wood. Tifa was rarely angry; only certain situations that seemed to have no solution frustrated her. Unfortunately for Cloud, he was one of those situations. And one would know, making Tifa angry was _definitely _not a smart choice. He gave a groan. Hehad to fix this. Now. Sighing once again, he pulled his twisted sheets and rolled off his bed, grabbing a shirt along the way.

Nervous as he was, he knew he had to say something. As he slowly descended down the stairs, Marlene and Denzel came into view, they were putting on their shoes.

"You'll be late you two, here take your lunch—Denzel! Now's not the time to be staring in space, you can do that when you get home, don't do it at school either!" Tifa scolded. "Marlene! Your hair! Did you not comb it today?"

Marlene touched her tangled hair and her eyes widened in horror. "Oh no! I forgot—HOW COULD I FORGET?! Ms. Dory will _hate _me! Tifaaa!" she wailed.

"Honey, it's okay! Here, I'll fix it for you in seconds; you won't even need a comb. And Ms.Dory can never hate you, she loves you!" assured Tifa as she wiped Marlene's tears and quickly fixed her hair.

Denzel snorted and mumbled, "Teacher's pet," but clamped his mouth shut at Tifa's intense glare. Denzel hastily turned to catch sight of Cloud as he reached the bottom step.

"Cloud!" he said happily. Marlene seemed to have calmed down from her shock for she too happily greeted Cloud.

_HONK! HONK!_

"Okay bus is here! Take care of each other!" Tifa hurriedly kissed both the children and gently pushed them through the door.

"Bye Tifa! Bye Cloud!" they waved.

"Be good." said Cloud.

"Yeah! We will!"

"Hey, Cloud!" called Denzel. "You'll be here when we get back, right?"

Cloud nodded.

Denzel grinned. "Ok—"

_HONK!_

"YOU'RE GOING TO MISS THE BUS!" hollered Tifa from the door. The kids quickened their pace and stepped onto the bus just in time. They both grinned from the window as the bus began to move.

"Bye! Have fun! Take care!" Tifa waved frantically. Cloud watched her from the corner of his eyes and couldn't help but smirk a little. It was a funny sight…seeing her motherly side, maybe even a little cute...

Though Cloud was mostly used to it, sometimes he would catch a glimpse of another Tifa. A Tifa he knew a long time ago, and it would suddenly occur to him that it was the same person all along. The kind smile, the sweet laugh, her bright attitude, it was all still there. And he liked it that way. She was one of the few things that reminded him that he really did exist, and that he really did have a childhood past. But boy, was he in for some trouble today!

Without even glancing towards him, Tifa swiftly turned around and left for the kitchen, leaving Cloud alone by the door. She hadn't bothered to talk to him, nor even acknowledge his existence since he came downstairs. Cloud slowly closed the door as he stepped back inside, letting his gaze fall on Tifa. Or her back, rather. She was making it even more difficult for him. Reluctantly, he took a few steps closer to stand by the corner of the kitchen. Taking a deep breath, he attacked the aching silence.

"Tifa…"

No reply.

She turned around, only to wash the glasses lying in the sink, still not sparing a glance at him. She began to wipe the glasses and set them onto the counter.

"Look…I'm sorry—"

"Why are you apologizing?" she cut in. "No. I completely understand, you don't need to say anything."

"No, you don't. And I have to say it."

"There isn't anything to say so it's okay."

"It's my fau—"

"No, it isn't."

Cloud wanted to kick something. She wouldn't let him say what he wanted to. Damn, why was she making it so _difficult_ for him?

"Why won't you just listen to what I have to say?" he snapped. Tifa stopped wiping the glasses and threw the rag down.

"Listen? That's what I'm here for, right? I'm always here to listen but you never say anything!" she slammed the glass down. "And I'm tired of trying to listen because I can't hear anything! And now you want to talk? About what?!" she was practically yelling now. "About why you're so cranky most of the time? About the way you act around us? About how you're hardly ever home? Or maybe about what's going on in that head of yours?!"

There she said it. Let all the words come tumbling out. And hit Cloud like a ton of bricks. He _really _wanted to kick something now. Hard.

"You don't get it. You think you know everything!" he replied angrily.

"Yeah? Heck, I think I know that, Cloud! Why don't you tell me what's wrong, then? Maybe I'll get it and learn something new!"

"You won't understand." He bit out as he looked away.

"Why not?" demanded Tifa. "Maybe if you just _tried_ to be a bit more co-operative. I can help you, Cloud! We can work it out, like we always did! Why can't you just open up a bit?" she pleaded.

"Look!" he growled. "I'm not the same damn person you knew! Okay? Things change…and I have too. You don't know me."

Tifa stared. Inside it burned. Those words clung to her throat, and it stung. It stung so much, the words made their way through to her heart, where she thought everything was finally coming together. But Cloud just had to swing his damn sword into everything.

"You're right…" she said quietly. "You have changed." She looked back to him with bright eyes. "But you can try to make it easier, can't you? Look at you! You think you're so _alone_ in this world! Can't you open your eyes for once and see that we're right in front of you?! Waiting for you? Hoping that one day you'll open your heart and take us in? That maybe, just _maybe,_ even if our blood's not the same, we can finally be family?"

"You always say this! Don't you think I know? I _am _trying, but you don't see what I see, you don't hear what I hear…you have no idea what I'm going through." He didn't want to argue. He was just so _frustrated! _"You don't know what it's like!"

Tifa couldn't take this any longer. There was no point in arguing like this, they were going in circles again. What was worse, she couldn't handle the hurt. She was afraid she'll break. _No, I won't_. _I'm _not _weak._

"I don't have time for this." She briskly replied as she looked away. "I get your point, I won't try to help. Obviously because I can't, because I don't know how to and that's because I don't know you. Maybe I don't. And maybe you don't know me either."

Cloud couldn't take it either. But he didn't plant to stick around. He needed to get out. "Whatever." was all he said before he wrenched open the door, and banged it closed as he left the house. Within seconds, Fenrir could be heard for only a moment before it faded away once more.

Tifa dropped the rag to the floor again, and slowly, leaning against the wall, she slid down to her knees. Taking a deep breath, she closed her eyes, refusing to let the tears escape. She just won't let them.

"It's going to be okay," she whispered. "It's going to be okay…"

* * *

A/N: Hello's! So I had this piece sitting for quite a while, just thought I'd post it. Not sure when it took place, but seems likely for it to be before AC, I think. Though Denzel seems to be pretty healthy...ah well! Hope you liked it. Reviews are reaaallly appreciated. Thank You! :)


	2. Closing Doors

**Out of it**

His eyes slid closed as the lullaby of glistening water echoed across the ruins of Aerith's church. His back rested against the tall grey pillar, and his face tilted upwards, facing the dark starless sky.

The events of the morning replayed through his mind over and over again.

_You don't know me._

He groaned inwardly. He didn't mean to say that, and he most certainly didn't mean to hurt her. It was like the sudden fall in her expressions was etched in his mind, and it was eating away at it. What was he talking about, she _did _know him. And in fact, she was probably the _only _one who really knew him. Sure, there currently were some barriers between them, but…

_I'm always here to listen but you never say anything!_

_And I'm tired of trying to listen because I can't hear anything!_

Was she really tired of him? Guilt began to hover over him again; it was like being sucked into the darkest of shadows… It was his entire fault, his fault for getting angry, his fault for yelling, and his fault for being so closed in. He wanted to open up, he wanted her to see everything he felt, wanted her to know how much he cared. It was easier said than done. He didn't want to hurt anyone.

He opened his eyes, staring up at the endless sky of nothing.

He was hurting her now…

He let out a shaky breath. He wished things were different, maybe if they were different, life would have been easier to live. Maybe life would have been normal.

But wishes never came true…

Not for him.

He could remember, so many years ago…staring out the window at the stars…wishing he wasn't so alone. Wishing he had a father…wishing he was loved…

Cloud clenched at his arm.

He wished the pain would go away…

A beep awoke him from his thoughts. Pulling out his phone, he saw it flash blue. It was 12:00. He scrolled through his messages, checking if anyone had called.

There were none. He wondered if the children had gone to bed…guilt stabbed at him again. He had told Denzel he'd be there…What did the kids think of him? An irresponsible, dull, cold man who couldn't keep true to his words? He wanted to change that. He wanted to prove to them that he could do better. That he could _be_ better.

But he couldn't…why join broken pieces together, only to break them once more?

_They don't know…it's better to keep it that way._

Cloud stared at his phone, as if he was waiting for someone to call. And the truth was that he _was. _No matter how many barriers stood between them, in the end…in the end he still needed her. He wanted to hear her voice, to tell him he was forgiven, and that she missed him…and he should come back home.

Was she still mad? She always called…

He shut his eyes in pain as he laid his head back against the pillar. A gust of wind hastily breezed past him, attacking him with the immense feeling of regret.

_I'm sorry…_

Their faces continuously flickered through his mind, like an eternal flame swaying side to side. One by one. Tifa…Marlene…Denzel…It made it ever the more painful, to even think about leaving them.

Cloud sighed into the cool night. He checked his phone, it was 12:30…he should probably get back.

----

Tifa lay curled underneath her blankets, idly running her slender fingers through dark, tangled hair. She stared up at the blank ceiling, it was so plain, so dull and boring, so very different from her heart…that was thrumming with emotion, with worry, and with sorrow…

Had she said too much? Maybe it was too much to take in at once…

Sighing, she closed her eyes and buried her face in her pillow. She had to block these thoughts from her mind if she was ever going to get some sleep.

But they just keep on coming…

Tifa untangled her legs from her sheets as she rolled out of bed. Careful to avoid the creaking of the floor board, she quietly stepped around to stand by the window. Hushed breezes were billowing gently against the trees, and the street lights were dimmed to a soft glow. She glanced at the clock as a small crease formed between her brows. It was well past midnight...

And it scared her. She knew there was nothing to be worried about, but it just did. Her insides would freeze at the thought, sending icy shivers trickling down her spine. He wouldn't leave them, would he?

Cloud still wasn't back…of course she would worry.

She turned away from the window, shaking her head in frustration, and walked towards her door. Silently turning the knob, she tip toed to the kids' room.

The room was resting in a peaceful slumber even though Marlene mumbled incoherently against her pillow, twisting and turning under her blanket, breaking the silence. On the other bed, Denzel was lying on his back, letting out deep, steady breaths.

Tifa rested her head on the door frame and crossed her arms. Denzel was a fragile child, both were, Marlene and him. But he had seen far worse than a child his age should have, his mind wasn't stable. He needed someone to hold onto him and guide him throughout his struggles, no matter how small they may be. He needed a hero. And he chose Cloud to be one.

Tifa chose him as her hero too…once upon a time.

She sighed, rubbing her bare arms as she turned away. She froze as her eyes collided with marvelous pools of blue. Cloud stood quietly a few feet away. It was like time had frozen, or perhaps it was her mind. Her train of thoughts had come soundlessly crashing into a wall. She couldn't look away from those alluring eyes, those brilliant blue wonders that always sent her heart beating in her ears. He looked exhausted…

Tifa opened her mouth to speak, but shut it tight as everything came crashing back down.

_You don't know me._

The events of the morning spilled cruelly in her mind, reminding her of the storm of emotions played in her heart.

She immediately cast her eyes down, allowing her legs to carry her to her bedroom. The ruthless tension hanging stiffly in the thick air was too much to take in. Maybe things weren't meant to work out, maybe living together wasn't the best of decisions…

_I thought we needed each other…_

Did Cloud need her now?

...Did he ever need her?

Tifa made to close the door, but she couldn't. Her ruby eyes flew to his. She could see emotion in them too… but she was tired of guessing. Guessing got them nowhere; they'd just be going in circles again. His hand still remained on the door, and she tried pushing it closed.

"Tifa-" he started.

"Cloud," her voice was strained. "Please, not now."

"But-"

"No!" she hissed, glaring up at him. She sighed as she rubbed her temples. "Look, I had a long day, and I'm sure you did too…I don't have the energy right now."

He studied her for a moment before looking away and sighing.

"Fine." He muttered. Their eyes met again, but neither looked away. It wasn't awkward, like most times when either one would hold their gaze longer than needed…no, it was as if they were speaking to each other, trying to see what lay in the depths of their souls, searching…hoping...that everything will be alright.

_We'll be okay, won't we?_

Tifa wanted nothing more than to reach out, and smooth away the worries hovering over him. She wanted nothing more than to reach out at touch _him, _to show him how much she cared, and wanted him to be happy. But he was so far away, and he kept slipping further away every time she took another step towards him.

"Goodnight." she quietly said as she pushed the door closed, for he had finally removed his hand.

"…Night." he murmured to the door. He stayed there for a moment, staring at the floor before heading to his room and closing his own door.

* * *

A/N: Helloo..sorry for the reallly late update...I know I still have Moonlit Shadows waiting to be updated! Sorry again!


End file.
